


from now on

by ryliner



Category: GOT7
Genre: Eventual Happy Ending, Getting Back Together, M/M, breakup fic be warned, idk why i write angst when i can't handle the thought of jjp not being together 24/7, my baby sungjin!, my baby's baby younghyun!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-06-30 16:06:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15755127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ryliner/pseuds/ryliner
Summary: Jinyoung is exactly what Jaebum needs to avoid right now, Jinyoung and his bright smile — his crinkled eyes and full lips.





	from now on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u so much to my Mother [mia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/subsequence/pseuds/subsequence) for holding my hand thru this word for word and for being the loveliest beta. i would've keeled over and gave up had it not been for ur jjp enabling........ huhu
> 
> note* i... Tried really hard for this fic. i hope u lot enjoy it!!!!!!!! lotsa love 

Jaebum hurries home after basketball to find Jinyoung sitting on the floor in front of the couch, staring blankly at a television screen that wasn't on.  
  
He drops his sports-bag on the ground at the door, crosses the floor to fall to his knees beside Jinyoung, says, "Hey," breathless and soft after having run all the way from the courts at Jinyoung's text. He'd left his friends behind in an instant, leaving them confused but not angry. "What's up? You said you wanted to talk. Did — did something happen in class?"  
  
After a strange pause, Jinyoung turns to look at him, and for the first time since they met, it's without an adoring smile to match.  
  
"Jaebum," he says, plain and simple, but he does offer a late smile, even though it's rigid, even though it looks like it hurts. "Sit down, will you? Don't crouch like that." He brings Jaebum to the floor with a firm hand on his shoulder, pulling him in so that they're sitting side-by-side. "You'll hurt your knees," he says, sounding sad.  
  
"I always forget," Jaebum replies, shifting a little to get comfortable, fitting their shoulders together. He remembers why he's here after a beat of silence, chest loosening as his breath evens out. "Don't change the subject, 'nyoung. What's wrong? What happened?"  
  
"I," Jinyoung says, and stops. He's twisting his fingers in his lap, brutal pulls that must hurt. "I'm moving out."  
  
Jaebum sits very still then, the breath leaving his body in an astonished exhale when he was just settling. "You're moving out," he repeats flatly, not a question but dry all the same. Jinyoung looks up at that, looks straight at him with dark, tired eyes, and nods. Once, and then two more times. "You're breaking up with me?" Jaebum can't believe it, but Jinyoung nods a fourth time, expressionless now like he's schooled himself into not giving anything away.  
  
"It's too much," he says, cold already. Detached. Never mind it's been two years. "I can't anymore, Jaebum, I — I can't. Not with you."  
  
"Not with me," Jaebum echoes, his heart breaking, little by little. Jinyoung looks pained as he says it, tears welling up in his eyes like he's not the one asking to break up, and it doesn't make sense. None of it does. They were smiling only this morning, laughing just yesterday. "I," Jaebum curls his fingers into fists. He feels like someone out of a movie, tired and cliche. "I don't understand."  
  
"I'm sorry," Jinyoung says, dropping his head so that he's looking down. In his lap, his hands are red from fidgeting.  
  
"I don't understand," Jaebum says again, numbly. Somewhere in their apartment, a tap drips, and it's all Jaebum can hear through the blood rushing in his ears. He's been putting off getting it fixed for weeks, thought that it didn't matter that much to Jinyoung. Maybe it did. Maybe it does. "You said," he starts, and then stops. _Forever. You said forever._ "You said we were okay. If this is about us fighting then I already told you I'd be better, I. I _promised_ that I'd be better —  Jinyoung. You can't just leave."  
  
"No," Jinyoung says, and he sounds firm this time. Rehearsed. "No, Jaebum. That — " He sighs. "That I can do."  
  
\- -  
  
Jaebum is a year ahead of Jinyoung in school, already a sophomore by the time Jinyoung enters university and joins one of Jaebum's compulsory courses. He's cute, Jaebum notices immediately, and polite, bowing all the way to ninety degrees when Jackson pulls them together during the third or fourth lesson, bashful when Jaebum offers to walk with him to the library after class.  
  
"Sunbae," Jinyoung says, smiling shyly in the afternoon sun. "You don't have to go with me. Really, I —  "  
  
"Jinyoung-ah," Jaebum cuts him off, Jinyoung looking surprise but not displeased at the interruption. Tiny crinkles appear by the corners of his eyes that steal the breath from Jaebum's stiff shoulders in an instant, and he tilts his head as if asking for Jaebum to go on. "I want to walk you, so... Let me. Okay?"  
  
"Okay," Jinyoung agrees, sounding delighted but keeping his gaze strictly on the ground. "Since you want to."  
  
And he does want to. There's something about Jinyoung that’s different, Jaebum thinks, something that he can't quite place but that he likes all the same. He'd probably surprised himself as well as Jinyoung by making the first move so soon, not really the type to take to people so easily, never offered to _walk them places_. But he keeps his promise and accompanies Jinyoung all the way up the library steps, watches with his hands in his pockets until Jinyoung disappears inside with a cheerful wave and a reminder for Jaebum to text him later.  
  
"Seunie-ah," Jaebum calls Jackson on his way back to his and Mark's shared apartment, buzzing with the feeling of butterflies in his stomach at having Jinyoung's number in his phone. "Thank you. _So_ much."  
  
"You're welcome," Jackson says, even though he doesn't know what for yet, just laughs down the line and makes fun of Jaebum for sounding so whipped. "Whoever they are, you're welcome."  
  
\- -  
  
Breaking up is a strange adjustment to get used to, especially when they'd broken up so frequently in the two years of their relationship.  
  
Jaebum finds it especially hard not to believe that it's temporary, but an entire year passes where they don't even talk, and he eventually forces himself to understand that they're done. ( _For good_ , Jackson reminds, a box of Jinyoung's things in his hands that he pushes to the back of Jaebum's cupboard in an attempt to _cleanse the apartment, hyung._ )  
  
He doesn't eat properly for a while after Jinyoung moves out. He gets a little pathetic in his own self-pity — wallows around for days at a time, orders takeout because walking to the corner store is too much work. He stares, sometimes, at the spot on the floor where he'd found Jinyoung that day, sitting with his legs tucked in and his face void of emotion, but he does get around to eventually asking Mark to help him move the couch just to see it in a different place.  
  
A few weeks have gone by when Jaebum decides that he wants to stop thinking about how Jinyoung's shoulder pressed against his that night, a comforting warmth through cold words as they sat with their backs against the sofa for hours after Jinyoung suggested they break up. He asks Sungjin to bring him all the notes he'd missed from skipping lectures too, finally starts to catch up on all the school-work he knows has been piling up in his reminders during the month-long slump. Jackson drops by as he's working through a procrastinated powerpoint presentation, unlocks the door without needing Jaebum's help. He complains of a stench as soon as he's packed the groceries he'd brought with him in the fridge, a weekly routine because he knows Jaebum himself won't do it, and eyes Jaebum accusingly, jerks his chin over at where Jinyoung's scarf is draped over the back of a chair.  
  
"There were some things that Jinyoung — " Jaebum stops at the name, takes a deep breath when his heart aches. "That he left behind."  
  
Jackson's eyes flash with sympathy, but it's gone in an instant. "Get off your ass, hyung," he says, stalking over to snatch the scarf in a vice grip, hands fisted in the fabric so that it's firm when he throws it in Jaebum's face. "Find a box, too. We've got some spring cleaning to do."  
  
"It's October," Jaebum says, but he closes his powerpoint and struggles to stand. "I think I might have a shoebox or two somewhere."  
  
"Okay," Jackson says, looking around the apartment. There's a hoard of books that aren't Jaebum's on the shelf, one half of a matching coffee cup set, a picture frame sitting facedown on the coffee table. "We're going to need something bigger than a shoebox, I think." Jaebum just sighs.  
  
It takes nearly two hours to pack all the leftovers of Jinyoung's things into an old storage box, a simple brown cardboard with a sticky note pressed to its surface. 'His', Jaebum scrawls in messy characters, passing off the box to Jackson so that he can shove it behind a pile of old clothes. It's strangely satisfying to see the box disappear when Jackson closes the cupboard, a ten-minute job that delayed into hours because Jackson had stopped and asked about each and every item before Jaebum packed them away.  
  
Hoard of books. "All his. He didn't read the type of stuff I liked, so his collection was completely different."  
  
The coffee cup. "One year ago. He thought it would be cute."  
  
Picture frame. "Sorry it's cracked. I know it's bad luck, but I was upset."  
  
Toothbrush. "He's always had two. One before we moved in together, and one when I was living with Mark. I guess he uses the one from before now."  
  
Old phone. "He cried when it broke. There were hundreds of pictures on there that he liked."  
  
Black scarf. "Don't pack it," Jaebum says, taking the woollen fabric from Jackson's hands before he could stuff it in with the rest of the things. "I — " Jaebum starts, doesn't know how to continue as he fingers the material absentmindedly, knows that Jackson is going to ask its backstory. "I bought it for him," Jaebum decides, resisting the urge to lift the scarf to his nose and inhale. It's been a month, he thinks sadly. He's sure even Jinyoung's cologne has left the apartment by now, gone with the rest of him, but his hand twitches nonetheless as if asking him to check. "He always got cold." Jaebum remembers shrugging off his jacket on the first date to drape around Jinyoung's shoulders, so thin before he'd started accompanying Jaebum to the gym every day. "It was a fifty day anniversary gift."  
  
"Fifty days," Jackson laughs, teasing like how he's been the entire afternoon. Jaebum appreciates it, knows that Jackson knows it makes him feel better not to mope. "You guys were so gross, hyung. I never even knew."  
  
"We were private," Jaebum replies, can't help it when his voice goes soft around the edges. He stares down at the black scarf in his hands, can almost feel the way Jinyoung's skin had been so warm when he'd helped him knot it around his neck the first time. "I liked it that way," Jaebum says, shaking his head when Jackson makes an understanding noise. He bunches up the fabric and leaves it folded in the night-stand by his bedside, brushes gentle fingertips atop the hardwood when he closes the drawer with a sigh.  
  
"We're done," he looks around the bedroom, meaning it in more than just one way.  
  
Jackson lets him brood for less than a minute before he's grabbing Jaebum by the arm, fingers squeezing around his bicep. "Shower first," he says, pinching at the bridge of his nose with an index finger and thumb. "And then I'm taking you out for drinks, hyung. On me this time."  
  
"Okay," says Jaebum, and even though he still feels empty inside, chest hollow and aching, he tries for a grin to make Jackson smile. "Let's go."  
  
\- -  
  
Jaebum soon finds out that Park Jinyoung is not someone who chases, but is instead, someone who is chased.    
  
Their first (official) date is long-awaited. Jinyoung plays hot and cold for about a month, spamming Jaebum's kakaotalk inbox one day and then ghosting the next, agreeing to group blind dates even though he _knows_ Jaebum is interested and claiming otherwise when Jaebum asks him about it. "It really seems like he's leading you on," Jackson says, when they're eating lunch in the cafeteria one day. Jaebum finds it hard to focus, shaking his leg up and down underneath the table as Jackson speaks around a mouthful of rice. "But he's not, hyung. I can tell."  
  
"How can _you_ tell?" Jaebum snaps impatiently, his eyes glued to where his phone lies face-up on the table. Jinyoung has yet to reply to his good morning text, and it's already one in the afternoon. "You do all the chasing in relationships. And don't lie to me," Jaebum adds, just as Jackson's mouth falls open to argue.  
  
"You can't lie," Mark agrees, quiet as always behind a can of coffee. "We've seen you through freshman year, Jackson. Don't bother."  
  
"' _Don't bother_ ,’" Jackson mimics, frowning now as Jaebum and Mark exchange equally as exasperated looks. "Yah, stop excluding me, assholes. And you," Jackson points his chopsticks at Jaebum with a curl of his lip. "Don't you want to know Jinyoungie's game?"  
  
"Game?" Jaebum echoes, curious again as Jackson skirts back to their previous topic. "Like... PC Bang game?"  
  
Mark snorts a laugh at that, to which Jackson just sighs and shakes his head. "Hyung, hyung, hyung," he says, full of apparent indignation at Jaebum's ignorance. "You sicken me. I don't understand how you can be such a bumbling idiot when it comes to dating" — Jackson jerks out of the way when Jaebum comes at him with a fist intended to _maim_ him. — "yet have so much experience to sample from. You can't tell me you learnt nothing from your string of relationships last year?"  
  
"They weren't _relationships_." Jaebum sinks into his seat when Mark starts to laugh. "You can't call every confession a relationship, dickwad."  
  
"Oh, _every confession_ , huh?" Jackson sneers, looking wounded all the same. "You're such an ass, hyung. I don't understand why you're hung up on this one guy when you could have literally anyone else in Yonsei."  
  
"And SNU," Mark adds, mostly to piss Jackson off.  
  
"That's not the point," Jaebum argues, trying to circle back to talking about Jinyoung without sounding completely whipped about it. He eyes Jackson with guided caution, swallowing hard around the lump in his throat before asking, "So what were you saying about games?"  
  
\- -  
  
They go to a noraebang close to campus, sufficiently drunk and with Jackson texting everyone he knows to come down.  
  
"Woah." Yoo Youngjae — God, Jaebum hasn’t seen him in ages.  "Jaebummie. Are you fucking drunk?"  
  
"Youngjae-yah," Jaebum blinks once, and then twice. Youngjae is still there, standing in front of him while Jackson destroys Big Bang's legacy with the shittiest rendition of ‘Haru Haru’ that Jaebum's ever heard in the background. Mark is there too, somehow, and Jaebum swears he sees Sungjin and Younghyun with microphones in hand. "What're you doing here? What time is it?"  
  
"Holy shit, you  _are_  drunk," Youngjae nudges Jaebum's legs aside so that he can squeeze into the seat beside him, throwing an arm around Jaebum's shoulders to bring him in close. He smells like the aftershave that Jaebum used to have before Jinyoung gifted him a new one for their 200 days. It makes him want to throw up. "What happened to you, Bum-ah? I heard about Jinyoungie, but — "  
  
"But nothing," Jaebum interjects, nudging his head to fit into the crook of Youngjae's neck. Because he can. "I'm fine. What's your problem?"  
  
"Me?" Youngjae sounds amused, running a thumb in soothing circles atop the skin of Jaebum's collarbone, exposed in the loose shirt he'd thrown on. "I have no problem. I can't worry about my best friend anymore without having a problem?"  
  
"Best friend," Jaebum echoes, feeling guilt wash over him at the reminder that he hasn't opened kakaotalk in the last month except to check Jinyoung's profile over and over again for any changes after their break-up. (There'd been two profile picture since then, one selfie and most recently, a black screen.) "I've been a pretty shitty best friend, haven't I?" he asks, wanting Youngjae to say 'no' but knowing despite being drunk that it's a 'yes'. Yoo Youngjae has been by his side since high school. They've drifted since getting accepted into Yonsei together, but they're still _best friends_ , Jackson's jealousy aside. "We haven't kept in touch these days, Youngjae-yah. I'm sorry."  
  
"Yah." Youngjae cringes, and Jaebum's not sure if it's because Jackson tries for a high note or Jaebum is getting too cheesy.  
  
"Did Jackson call you here?" Jaebum changes the subject, reaching out to wrap short fingers around the neck of a soju bottle. He tips his head back, closes his eyes as he drinks, wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and sets the bottle back down. "Grape flavour." He makes a face, leaning into Youngjae again. "I wanted original."  
  
"You were the one to call me," Youngjae says, laughing a little. "Who am I to deny a drunkard in need?"  
  
"Drunkard in need," Jaebum says, smiling. "Is that all I am to you now, Yoo Youngjae-ssi?" He reaches for the bottle, sighs as he does. He can't even remember going through the motions of calling Youngjae to come, can only register the sour aftertaste of soju on the tip of his tongue. "I don't even like to drink, you know?"    
  
"I know," Youngjae replies, soft and considering as Sungjin takes over the main microphone, choosing to attempt a performance of Super Junior's 'It's You' title track while Jaebum finishes off his fourth soju bottle. There's something in the way that Youngjae is looking at him now, eyes narrowed with concern, that makes Jaebum think he's missing something important, but he ducks his head in favour of opening a fifth bottle, not wanting to think of someone else who might be looking at him the same way if they were here too.  
  
\- -  
  
"I don't even like to drink, you know?" Jaebum confesses, pouring soju into Jinyoung's shot glass and then his own.    
  
"I know," Jinyoung replies, accepting the glass and touching it to Jaebum's with a clink. There're crinkles forming by the corners of his eyes, a hint that a smile is coming. "You told me at Yook Sungjae's house party last month."  
  
"And you remember?" Jaebum teases, recalling having to take care of a _very_ drunk Jinyoung that night. "In between, what? Shot fourteen and fifteen?"  
  
"Yah," Jinyoung pouts, turning his face away to knock his drink back with two hands. He sets the glass down with his lower lip still jutted out, using a pair of chopsticks to pick at his rice. "It was _your_ fault I drank so much, anyway."  
  
"My fault?" Jaebum raises an eyebrow. "Suji-ssi was the one refilling your drinks, brat."  
  
"I know, but not what I meant," Jinyoung retorts, closing his mouth around a piece of meat. He's quiet for a moment then, chewing thoughtfully as Jaebum watches him, the grill in front of them sizzling with meat. They've been out together a few times already on their own, but never anything that Jaebum would classify as a date.  
  
("Games," Jackson'd told him, eyes serious as Jaebum frowned unsurely. "It's all in the game he's playing.")  
  
Jaebum shakes his head. "What did you mean, then?"  
  
Jinyoung breathes a laugh at that, but he doesn't answer right away. He takes the soju bottle this time to refill their shot glasses, not stopping until Jaebum's is full to the brim. "I just meant that I drink a lot when I don't get what I want," Jinyoung explains, his gaze lowered so that Jaebum can't see his eyes under the hat he's wearing. "You were talking to Kim Dasom-ssi all night. I couldn't even get a word in."  
  
"Dasom-noona?" Jaebum tilts his head, confused now. "As in from my department?"  
  
"Dunno," Jinyoung says, and he's _sulking_. Because Jaebum was talking to a girl. "I've never met her before, but she's pretty, I guess."  
  
"Pretty," Jaebum echoes, not used to seeing Jinyoung this way, has never seen him jealous before. He's still staring into his rice, chopsticks in hand but unmoving, and Jaebum tries hard not to smile. He does remember speaking to Dasom that night in Sungjae's apartment, has a vague memory of her asking about their group powerpoint for class the next day, but Jinyoung couldn't possibly have known that. "I share a lecture with her," Jaebum mentions, taking a piece of pork to place on top of Jinyoung's rice. "She's really nice. I play basketball with her boyfriend sometimes."  
  
Jinyoung's chopsticks nearly clatter to the floor. "Boyfriend?" He sounds relieved.  
  
"Yeah." Jaebum nods, bites down on a grin. Jinyoung looks so cute like this, eyebrows furrowed together and his lips parted in an 'o'. His fringe falls into his eyes from where it's pressed down underneath his hat, cheeks red so that he looks much younger when he eventually meets Jaebum's gaze. "They've been together for ages. You've got nothing to worry about, Jinyoungie."  
  
"I wasn't worrying," Jinyoung sniffs, but he looks pleased all the same.  
  
He chews happily around the pork that Jaebum had placed on his rice, the both of them sitting comfortably in the background noise of other customers talking around them. Jaebum knows they'll be leaving the eatery with tinges of smoke scent caught in their clothes from the grill, but having dinner with Jinyoung is worth the extra shower Jaebum will take later to wash the burnt smell from his hair. It's especially worth it, Jaebum thinks, to see when Jinyoung's face starts to redden in the yellow light, his cheeks and neck flushed from the alcohol and heat and his forehead dampening with a little sweat.  
  
He wonders vaguely if Jinyoung's feeling warm at all underneath the thick woollen sweater and collared shirt he's wearing, but before he can say anything about it, Jinyoung interjects in a tone full of curiosity to ask, "So why don't you like to drink, hyung?" to which Jaebum just shakes his head.  
  
"No reason," he says, accepting the carrots that Jinyoung pushes into his bowl.  
  
("I hate it," he remembers Jinyoung saying one day, arranging them neatly at the side of his plate instead of eating them.)  
  
He picks the carrots off one by one, taking his time so that Jinyoung starts to fidget by the time he's done. "I'm serious," he says, the last carrot held tight between his chopsticks. "There's no specific reason apart from the fact that I don't like the taste."  
  
"Everyone likes the taste," Jinyoung objects, and as if to further strengthen his point, refills his own shot glass but leaves Jaebum's empty.  
  
"Not me," Jaebum insists, swears he's had this same conversation with Jackson in freshman year. "I just never grew into it, I guess. Too sour, makes me do stupid things that I don't remember the next day."  
  
"So you're a lightweight?"  
  
"The opposite." Jaebum finishes off his rice in one last scoop, leaving the last piece of beef for Jinyoung. "I can't even count the number of times that Jackson has tried and failed to outdrink me."  
  
Jinyoung considers this with a thoughtful expression. "I suppose that sounds legitimate," he admits, taking the glass in cupped hands to knock it back. He makes sure to face away from Jaebum as he does, even though Jaebum has told him before that he doesn't mind, actually finds it kind of adorable to see the way Jinyoung's nose crinkles after a shot, how he blinks his eyes closed if they're not already to immediately complain about the tang.  
  
"See?" Jaebum smiles, resisting the urge to reach out and readjust Jinyoung's hat. "It's got a bad taste."  
  
"It's got a _tangy_ taste," Jinyoung corrects, wiping his mouth with the back of his wrist. He sets the glass down right after, seemingly done with both his meal and the soju bottle, but not yet with the conversation. His lips twist into a pout. "I just don't understand how you don't even drink to forget, hyung."  
  
Jaebum hums. "Drink to forget?"  
  
"Yeah," Jinyoung's had three-quarters of a bottle of soju, yet seems to be half-way drunk already. "When shitty things happen to you. When people are being assholes."  
  
"I'd never drink for that, Jinyoungie," he says, soft and endeared when Jinyoung closes his eyes, sways on the spot, sitting upright but barely. "Nobody is worth that much sadness to me. I wouldn't waste a drop of alcohol over anyone."  
  
"Even when shitty things happen to you?"  
  
Jaebum nods, even though Jinyoung can't see him. "Even then."  
  
\- -  
  
"I lied," Jaebum whispers into the crook of his elbow, eyes closed and breath held against the smell of throw-up on the floor right in front of him.  
  
He doesn't know what time it is, how much he's drunk —  just knows that Youngjae had guided him out more than twenty minutes ago with a hand on the small of his back, rubbing soothing circles into the width of his shoulders as he bent half-over at a wall beside the noraebang, emptying his guts out to the sound of Jackson yelling that he would pay for the whole thing and Mark telling him to shut up.  
  
"What was that?" Youngjae is close, but he keeps a purposeful distance. Jaebum doesn't blame him, appreciates that he's here in the first place.  
  
"Nothing," Jaebum mumbles, trying to hide his face. The only thing, in his opinion, that tastes worse than alcohol is alcohol on its way back up. He's grateful that the worst of it is over and Youngjae at his side to tell him it's going to be okay. "I'm, I'm so fucking drunk."  
  
"I know." Youngjae laughs, the asshole, brushing Jaebum's hair back from off his forehead. "Fucking lightweight, Jaebummie."  
  
"The opposite," he argues, digging his fingers into Youngjae's shoulder, uses him to bolster himself upright as he stands straight on uneven legs. "Fucking," he says, leaning half onto Youngjae with both arms wrapping around his neck in a feeble attempt to stabilise himself. "I'm done. No more." he feels Youngjae's arm go around his waist, registers a hand squeezing at his hip. "I wanna sit, Youngjae-yah, I wanna, I — "  
  
"You want to sit?" Youngjae asks, guiding Jaebum carefully to a clean spot on the ground. "Here, here, just sit, okay? S'okay."  
  
"S'okay," Jaebum mumbles, not yet on the way to sobering as he presses his back to the wall, eyes clenched shut when he slides to sit down on the asphalt. He tugs on Youngjae's hand to pull him in, exhales in a contented sigh when he caves to sit beside Jaebum on the ground. They listen in silence as Mark and Jackson continue to squabble over money in the background, Sungjin coming up to stand at Jaebum's feet at some point to ask Youngjae in a low voice if he's doing okay.  
  
Jaebum doesn't hear Youngjae's answer.  
  
He's too busy trying to block out all the noise, hunched over the bend of his knees, twisting his fingers together underneath his legs the way Jinyoung used to do, tugs and pulls to see them turn white.  
  
He considers going over to where Mark and Jackson are still arguing over money by the entrance of the noraebang, wonders if he should pay them back for covering the whole bill to possibly shut them up. He quickly dismisses the idea, knowing he'd never be able to walk that far without falling over, and stays beside Youngjae on the floor instead, Sungjin at their toes.  
  
He figures that the only possible way he'll be able to clear his head right now and sober up is to stay put and keep his eyes closed anyway, breathe in the crisp air until the world stops spinning, appreciate that it's a nice night at least, one that feels fitting for the way things are winding down slowly. It reminds him of a time just weeks ago when it was just him and Jinyoung together, their shoulders brushing as they walked down this very sidewalk on the way home from yet another karaoke night, holding hands if there was no one else in sight, Jaebum pinning Jinyoung to a part of the wall just fifteen feet along to press a hard kiss to his mouth.  
  
It takes him embarrassingly long to remind himself that there's no Jinyoung tonight, that there won't be for a long while and never in the same way. And it's ridiculous to think about, Jaebum realises, considering Jinyoung is exactly what he needs to avoid right now, Jinyoung and his bright smile — his crinkled eyes and full lips. It's... useless.  
  
It's all useless, wishful thinking. There's nothing to do, Jaebum already knows, sitting with his back pressed to a brick wall and drunk out of his fucking mind, that'll bring Jinyoung back.  
  
Two full months since that horrible night, weeks since he last saw Jinyoung, he may as well accept it now and just move on, but — but two months later and he's still stuck. Still frustrated. Still confused, because he doesn't _understand_ , doesn't get why Jinyoung left, and now. Now he's wasted too, and he can't even think straight, might end up giving in to the urge to text Jinyoung, maybe, ask for a second chance through kakaotalk or not even that, show up uninvited at Mark's apartment where he knows Jinyoung is to beg on his knees and maybe, fucking _maybe_ —  
  
Something painful hitches in his throat, catching drily in his chest.  
  
He lets out a shaky breath and curls his fingers in tighter, forces the trembling to stop so that Youngjae won't worry and ask what's wrong. But Youngjae is too quick for him, one hand at Jaebum's shoulder and the other pulling his face up, concern clouding his gaze in a way that Jaebum's never seen before, uneasy and anxious and _terrified_ that Jaebum's going to fall apart, and for once — for once, Jaebum doesn't even pretend that that's not a possibility.  
  
"Hey," Youngjae says, a soft, desperate murmur. "Are you okay? D'you need to throw up?"  
  
Jaebum shakes his head once, a sharp, jerky movement. His stomach is empty, his throat scraped raw. He doesn't want to throw up, he just wants Jinyoung.  
  
"You're shivering," Sungjin says, sounding further away than he actually is, right there at Jaebum's feet.  
  
"What's wrong?" Youngjae asks, fitting an arm around Jaebum's shoulders, tucking Jaebum's face against his neck. "Jaebum?"  
  
Jaebum takes a moment to just lean into Youngjae, breathes huge, gulping breaths of air until he can't postpone the inevitable any longer, mumbles a quiet "fuck" in answer, and it's slow, at first. Just tears that well up in his eyes to begin with, uneven, hiccupy breathing for a few seconds until he starts to cry properly, a hurt noise punching out of Youngjae's chest at the sight. The first sob out of his mouth is unexpected, a _painful_ precursor to thick, frustrated crying that burns in his chest and hurts his throat, makes his face go all red and gross-looking, it being so obvious what he's doing even if it weren't for the smear of tears across his cheeks that Youngjae so valiantly starts to wipe away.  
  
"It's okay," he says, a gentle whisper against Jaebum's hair. "Jaebum, look at me."  
  
"No," Jaebum grits out, buries his face against Youngjae's neck to hide, tries to breathe but stutters on a choked sob. He's only ever cried like this twice before, once in high school after thinking he'd failed his suneung, and then later when his childhood cat died. Both times, Youngjae was there, in the exact way he is now. "He fucking left me, Jae-yah, he, I don't know what to do, and — "  
  
"I know," says Youngjae, his hands cold, his _everything_ cold when he holds Jaebum close. "I'm sorry."  
  
"I don't understand." Jaebum's throat is hoarse, his mind whirling. He's still drunk, can't get a grip, feels like he's slipping.  
  
He knows that Sungjin is still there, knows Jackson and Mark and Younghyun must be too, knows how pathetic he must look wrapped up in Youngjae and crying on the floor but he doesn't _care_ ; he can't find it in himself to register anything but the thought of Jinyoung, that there is nothing after Jinyoung, nothing that can even compare to when Jinyoung smiles behind a cup of coffee in the morning, the way his eyes fold and his head tilts to bring Jaebum in for a kiss. "It gets easier," Youngjae insists, firm, but Jaebum doesn't _want_ Youngjae's kind of easier, doesn't want the empty promise of moving on while still hurting, the resigned every day of life after Jinyoung.  
  
Youngjae's kind of easier is too similar to forgetting for Jaebum to be able to look forward to it.  
  
"I don't want — " Jaebum starts, stops in a shuddering breath when he looks up from Youngjae's shoulder and sees the walls closing in, everything moving in three copies of each other as his mind races. "I'm so drunk," he says, flipping through somersaults and jumps and twists with his stomach churning, head reeling from the events of the night and it sucks, on so many levels, because he's fucking _miserable_. Jaebum keeps remembering, is the thing, but in a cold, detached sort of sense.  
  
Memory is a strange, lonely thing, now. He thinks of Jinyoung again, of Sunday mornings spent tracing shapes into skin, swallows against the burn in his throat and cries it out with his face pressed to Youngjae's chest, sits there with open, empty eyes, until finally, finally he passes out.  
  
And dreams of Jinyoung.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come hmu on [twitter](https://twitter.com/celeste05197981) and [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/yugbammer) !
> 
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> 
> as always, comments are greatly appreciated huhu 


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